Pot ‘Oling Panic. A Yorkshire Tale

Primed and ready in all t’ right gear,

Top to toe and ear to ear.

Feeling like Noddy in red and bright blue,

Wi’ dazzling yeller wellies and an ‘elmet that’s new.

Outer suit’s like cardboard, so walkin’ is tough,

Wi’ harness and cow’s tails, you’d think that’s enough,

But noooo! There’s bags of ladders and ropes.

It’s a long way down, there’s a lump in me throat!

‘Reet, down tha goes’ he pointed to me.

A ruddy great ‘ole is all I can see.

Looking fearless, - well doin’ me best,

I ‘ead fer t’hole, beginnin’ to sweat.

Down that ladder into t’ dark I go,

One step at a time, scary deep below.

Cold watter’s drippin, plink, plink, plop,

Me breath is quickenin’ I’ll ‘ave to stop.

‘I’m swingin’ about, lookin’ round.

It’s a long way back up, and a long way down.

Under me gloves, me knuckles are white,

Shakin in me wellies, I’m ‘angin’ on tight.

Blimey who’s that, zippin’ right by?

Abseilin’ in from up in t’sky.

Bloody show-off, looks easy, I’m sure.

I’m tryin’ to go downwards but I can’t see a floor.

‘Keep on comin’ he shouts from below.

‘Just a bit further, not far to go.’

I’m doin’ me best but I’m stuck to t’ ladder,

It’s worse than that, I’ve got a weak bladder!

I can’t cross me legs while I’m ‘angin’ on.

‘Yer’ll ‘ave to move, ‘come on, come on!’

‘I’m coming, I’m comin’ give us a sec,’

I finally make it and land in t’wet.

So I’m sat in this stream bed, deep down in t’ dark,

Folk do this fer fun, sod that fer a lark!

There’s a light on me ‘ead and I’m soakin’ wet,

I knew I shouldn’t ‘ave taken that bet!

I thought this watter would be cold as ice,

But where I’m sat it’s warm and nice.

I might ‘ave guessed, good job they can’t see,

It’s only warm cos I’ve just ‘ad a pee!

Susan Osborne.

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